are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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