woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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