Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
