I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
