So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
