I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
