then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Two words: nipple clamps
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