just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
