This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
