i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
