There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he thought i was a dude.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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