You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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