Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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