How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
