I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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