I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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