We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
