Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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