Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
