if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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