the condom got lost in my hair
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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