Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
