Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
