Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
