you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
