he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
