I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
