Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
