if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
bring money and cleavage
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
