stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
