just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
