So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
