I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
