I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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