i barfeds in our rink
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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