Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
