I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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