Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
