he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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