I just saw a hot homeless man
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
