I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
