I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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