dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
