I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
