When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
