Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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