I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
