On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
