he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
