Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
