I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
